last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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