You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
