I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
