and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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