i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
