Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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