a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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