I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
