Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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