Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
