Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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