i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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