Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
