You made me cry and you don't even care
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize