Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
