Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
