Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
