you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
