Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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