2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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