You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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