All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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