at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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