I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
