She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
