I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
