Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
