AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
