he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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