They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
