Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sext me about skeletons
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
