We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
