How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I wear drunk well.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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