Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize