I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
