saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
