Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
