OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize