So drunk its hurt
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
