I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
