you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
