Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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