i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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