When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
