last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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