You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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