its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
