That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
