he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
