just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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