Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
