How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
