I have demons in me.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
