M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
