dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
