dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize